The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a great looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.” So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.” The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.” Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'” The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?” The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence. “My father grows beans,” said one girl. “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy. A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”
Two olives were sitting at a bar having a couple martinis, when all of a sudden, one olive falls off his chair and hits the ground. The other olive looks down at him and says, “Oh man, are you okay?” The olive looks up at her and says, “Yes, I’ll live.”
Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
A man broke into a house one night. His goal was to take something small and valuable. While he was searching through the stuff, he heard a small voice “Jesus is watching you.” He stopped for a moment and said to himself: “This must be a voice from my Sunday school days.” So he continued searching. About 5 minutes later, he heard the voice again, “Jesus is watching you.” He turned his flashlight and he saw a parrot. He said to the parrot “What’s your name?” The parrot replied “Moses.” The robber then said, “What kind of silly people would name their parrot Moses?” The parrot looked up and said, “The same people who named the Pitbull Jesus!”
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks to the other, “What kind of music do you like?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
What computer sings the best? A Dell.
