Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
What do you call a man attacked by a cat?
Claude.
What do you call a woman attacked and eaten by a cat?
Claudette.
There was a gnome who sent ten different puns to friends, in hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What do you call a duck that steals?
A Robber Duck.
“What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.”
What computer sings the best? A Dell.
“You know what actually makes me smile?” Asked the gnome to his wife…
“My facial muscles.”
Cheeky Gnome!
A man broke into a house one night. His goal was to take something small and valuable. While he was searching through the stuff, he heard a small voice “Jesus is watching you.” He stopped for a moment and said to himself: “This must be a voice from my Sunday school days.” So he continued searching. About 5 minutes later, he heard the voice again, “Jesus is watching you.” He turned his flashlight and he saw a parrot. He said to the parrot “What’s your name?” The parrot replied “Moses.” The robber then said, “What kind of silly people would name their parrot Moses?” The parrot looked up and said, “The same people who named the Pitbull Jesus!”
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
A snail entered a police station and told an officer, “I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!” The officer replied, “Why that’s terrible. Did you get a good look at them?” “No sir, it all happened so fast!”
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a great looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.” So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.” The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.” Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
Why did the kid throw the butter out the window? To see the butter fly!
What is the difference between a teacher and a steam train? One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo, choo, choo!”
What do you call a gnome with a rubber toe? Roberto.
Two olives were sitting at a bar having a couple martinis, when all of a sudden, one olive falls off his chair and hits the ground. The other olive looks down at him and says, “Oh man, are you okay?” The olive looks up at her and says, “Yes, I’ll live.”
A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, “Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?” The photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”
What did the 30 degree angle say to the 90 degree angle? “You think you’re always right!”
Why did it take so long for the pirate gnome to learn the Alphabet? He got stuck at C.
Where do bees go to the toilet?
The BP station.
