A troubled gnome walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”
Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.” He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
What did the 30 degree angle say to the 90 degree angle? “You think you’re always right!”
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'” The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?” The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
Why are frogs always so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”
If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
Big hands.
“You know what actually makes me smile?” Asked the gnome to his wife…
“My facial muscles.”
Cheeky Gnome!
What computer sings the best? A Dell.
What is the colour of the wind? Blew.
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down!
The slug asks the snail: “have you seen Michelle?”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence. “My father grows beans,” said one girl. “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy. A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”
A man broke into a house one night. His goal was to take something small and valuable. While he was searching through the stuff, he heard a small voice “Jesus is watching you.” He stopped for a moment and said to himself: “This must be a voice from my Sunday school days.” So he continued searching. About 5 minutes later, he heard the voice again, “Jesus is watching you.” He turned his flashlight and he saw a parrot. He said to the parrot “What’s your name?” The parrot replied “Moses.” The robber then said, “What kind of silly people would name their parrot Moses?” The parrot looked up and said, “The same people who named the Pitbull Jesus!”
What do you call a gnome with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What is the difference between a teacher and a steam train? One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo, choo, choo!”
A snail entered a police station and told an officer, “I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!” The officer replied, “Why that’s terrible. Did you get a good look at them?” “No sir, it all happened so fast!”
“I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go faster, if anything it made him more sluggish.”
